1 - Introductory
Chemistry was taught at Duke
University for many years by professor Bonk.
One yea... More ›› 2 - Teacher: In what part of the
world are the
people most ignorant ?
Pupil: Hong Kong
Teacher: Wh... More ›› 3 - Teacher: I'll call you Fred Smith
then.
Pupil: My dad won't like that.
Teacher: Why is that?... More ›› 4 - Teacher: What is the formula for
water ?
George: H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O
Teacher: Is that the formul... More ›› 5 - Teacher: When you yawn, your supposed to put
your hand to your mouth!
Pupil: What?, and get b... More ›› 6 - Caspar: I was the teacher's pet last
year.
Jaspar: Why was that?
Caspar: She couldn't afford a... More ›› 7 - Teacher: I wished you would pay a little
attention
Pupil: I'm paying as little as I can !... More ›› 8 - Teacher: Didn't you know the
bell had
gone?
Fred: I didn't take it, Miss.... More ›› 9 - A mom
and dad were worried about their son
not wanting to learn math at the
school he was in,... More ›› 10 - A school teacher injured his back and had to
wear a
plaster cast around the upper part of his bo... More ›› 11 - A student called up his Mom one evening from
his college and asked her for some money, because h... More ›› 12 - Sandy began a
job as an elementary school counselor and
she was eager to help. One
day during... More ›› 13 - A college business
professor could not help
but notice that one of his students was late to
cl... More ›› 14 - A student comes to a young
professor's
office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door,... More ›› 15 - One day our
professor was discussing a
particularly complicated concept. A pre-med
student rud... More ›› 16 - A teacher was giving a lesson on the
circulation of the
blood. Trying to make the matter clearer... More ›› 17 - A
professor was giving a big test one day
to his students. He handed out all of
the tests and... More ›› 18 - The children had all been photographed, and the
teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy... More ›› 19 - A linguistics professor was lecturing to his
English class one
day. "In English," he said, "A do... More ›› 20 - "If there are any idiots in the room, will they
please stand up"
said the sarcastic teacher. Aft... More ›› 21 - A little girl came home from
school and
said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punish... More ›› 22 - 'Ann!' the teacher shouted one day at the
girl who had been daydreaming out the window. 'If Indi... More ›› 23 - The teacher came up with a good problem.
"Suppose," she asked the second-graders, "there were a... More ›› 24 - The
teacher was giving her pupils a quiz on
counting. Jackie got things
started by counting fr... More ›› 25 - The
teacher was reviewing counting with her
first-grade class. "Jackie,"
she asked, "can you c... More ›› 26 - Johnny comes back from school crying and says,
"Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a bi... More ›› 27 - The teacher is droning away in the classroom
when he notices a student
sleeping way up in the ba... More ›› 28 - A teacher was having
trouble teaching
arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, "if you reached... More ›› 29 - Man: "How's
your history paper
coming?"
Woman: "Well, my history professor suggested that I u... More ›› 30 - Teacher: If I gave you three
rabbits today
and five rabbits tomorrow, how many rabbits would you... More ›› 31 - "Isn't the principal a
dummy!" said a boy
to a girl.
"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the... More ›› 32 - School
Principal: I've called you into my
office, Peter, because I want to
talk to you about t... More ›› 33 - Teacher: Is
Lapland heavily
populated?
Class: No, there are not many Lapps to the mile!
Teache... More ›› 34 - The parents were very disappointed in the
grades that their son brought home. "The only consolat... More ›› 35 - A little kid's in
school, taking a
true-false test and he's flipping a coin. At the end
of the... More ›› 36 - Principal: Do you do
your homework?
Kid:
Now & Then
Principal: Where do you do it?
Kid: Here... More ›› 37 - 'I'm not going to school today,' Alexander
said to his mother.
'The teachers bully me and the bo... More ›› 38 - Mother: "Why are you home from school so
early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a que... More ›› 39 - "It's clear" said the teacher, "That you
haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse?" "W... More ›› 40 - Teacher: Why have you got cotton wool in your
ears, do
you have an infection ?
Pupil: Well you... More ›› 41 - Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph:
Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a... More ›› 42 - The brain is a wonder ful thing
Why do you
say that ?
Because it starts working the second you... More ›› 43 - Fred: I got 100 in school today.
Mother:
Wonderful. What did you get 100 in?
Jason: Two things:... More ›› 44 - Dad, can you
help me find the lowest common
denominator in this problem please?
Don't tell me t... More ›› 45 - Mother: Did you
enjoy the school outing,
dear ?
Jane: Yes, and we're going again tomorrow.
Mot... More ›› 46 - If you had one dollar and you
asked your
father for another, how many dollars would you have?... More ›› 47 - Teacher:
Can you count to 10?
Fred: Yes,
teacher-one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight... More ›› 48 - "Our teacher has a bad memory. For three days
she asked us how much
is two and two. We told her... More ›› 49 - Jackie stood quietly as her father
examined
her report card.
"What is this 45 in math?" asked h... More ›› 50 - A history joke
Teacher: When was Rome
built?
Pupil: At night.
Teacher: Why did you say that?
P... More ›› 51 - If I had
five coconuts and I gave you
three, how many would I have left ?
I don't know.
Why no... More ›› 52 - Teacher: How much is half of 8?
Pupil: Up
and down or across?
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil:... More ›› 53 - Fred came home from his first day at school.
"Nothing exciting
happened", he told his mother, "E... More ›› 54 - Teacher: You copies from
Fred's exam paper
didn't you?
Pupil: How did you know?
Teacher: Fred'... More ›› 55 - Teacher: How much is half of 8
Pupil: Up and
down or across ?
Teacher: What do you mean ?
Pupil... More ›› 56 - An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
your homework?
Pupil: Some aliens from outer space bo... More ›› 57 - Teacher: If I lay one egg here and another
there, how many eggs will there be?
Fred: None!
Fre... More ›› 58 - Pupil (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and
won't be able to come to school today.
School Secr... More ›› 59 - Father: How were the
exam
questions?
Son: Easy
Father: Then why look so unhappy?
Son: The que... More ›› 60 - Mother: What did you learn in school
today
Son: How to write
Mother: What did you write?
Son:... More ›› 61 - Teacher: Fred can you find me Australia on
the map please ?
Pupil: There it is
Teacher: Now,... More ›› 62 - An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
your homework?
Pupil: Our furnace stopped working and... More ›› 63 - Father:
How do you like going to
school?
Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit... More ›› 64 - Teacher : Give
me a sentence with the words
defence, defeat and detail in it.
Pupil : When a ho... More ›› 65 - Teacher : Why are you the only child in the
classroom today ?
Pupil : Because I was the only on... More ›› 66 - Teacher : What are you doing,
crawling into
school ten minutes late ?
Pupil : Well you told me... More ›› 67 - Teacher: This is the third
time I've had
to tell you off this week, what have you got to say
a... More ›› 68 - Teacher: You seem very well read, have you read
Shakespeare ?
Pupil: No
Teacher: What have yo... More ›› 69 - An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your
homework?
Pupil: I didn't do it because I didn't... More ›› 70 - Teacher: If you have five
haystacks in one
corner, five in another and two in another, how many... More ›› 71 - Mother: How do you
like your new teacher
?
Son: I don't. She told me to sit up the front for th... More ›› 72 - Teacher: This is the third time I've had to
tell you off this week, what have you got to say abo... More ›› 73 - Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of
school
this morning.
Class: Hooray!
Teacher: W... More ›› 74 - An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
your homework?
Pupil: I was mugged on the way to scho... More ›› 75 - Teacher : Tommy, put some more water in the
fish tank !
Pupil : Why, Miss, I only put some in y... More ›› 76 - How
many schoolteachers does it take to
change a light bulb?
None. Anything not completed durin... More ›› 77 - Teacher: What's the longest word in the
English
language ?
Pupil: Smiles - because there is a m... More ›› 78 - Teacher: Why didn't you answer me ?
Pupil:
I did, I shook my head
Teacher: You don't expect me t... More ›› 79 - Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I
didn't know where the
Rockies were.
Mother: Well ne... More ›› 80 - Teacher, I can't solve this problem.
Any
five year old should be able to solve this one.
No wond... More ›› 81 - Mother: How was your first
day at
school?
Son: It was all right except for some man called "Tea... More ›› 82 - Teacher : The word politics - can you give me
an
example of how to use it ?
Pupil : My parrot s... More ›› 83 - Teacher: Fred, I'm glad to see your writing
has improved.
Pupil: Thank you
Teacher: Now I can... More ›› 84 - TEACHER: "Can anybody give an
example of
COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got m... More ›› 85 - An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
your homework?
Pupil: I left it in my shirt and my mo... More ›› 86 - Boy to Friend: I'm sorry, I won't be able to
go out after school. I
promised Dad that I would st... More ›› 87 - Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my
questions ?
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't... More ›› 88 - Did you hear what
happened when there was
an epidemic of laryngitis at school? The school
nurs... More ›› 89 - Bad timing for an excuse Teacher: Why
were
you late?
Pupil: Sorry, teacher, I overslept.
Teach... More ›› 90 - Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my
questions?
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't b... More ›› 91 - Teacher: That's quite a
cough you have
there, what are you taking for it ?
Pupil: I don't know... More ›› 92 - Son: I can't go to school today.
Father:
Why not?
Son: I don't feel well
Teacher: Where don't... More ›› 93 - Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a
tree called?"
Sam: "I don't know."
Teacher: "Bark, Sam... More ›› 94 - Teacher: That's quite a cough you have
there, what are you taking for it?
Pupil: I don't know t... More ›› 95 - Father: What did the
teacher think of your
idea?
Son: She took it like a lamb
Teacher: Really?... More ›› 96 - Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me.
Are you having trouble hearing?
Pupil: No, teacher... More ›› 97 - Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in
my class.
Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just... More ›› 98 - Teacher : Can't you retain anything in your
head overnight ?
Pupil : Of course, I've had this c... More ›› 99 - Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is
4+4?
Pupil: That's not fair!
You answer the easy ones and... More ›› 100 - Why aren't you doing very well in
history?
Because the teacher keeps asking about things that hap... More ›› 101 - Teacher : What are
you reading ?
Pupil :
I dunno !
Teacher : But you're reading aloud !
Pupil... More ›› 102 - Teacher : If you had five apples on your desk
and the boy next to you
took three what would you... More ›› 103 - Father: Well Son, how are your exam results
?
Son: They're under water
Father: What do you mean... More ›› 104 - Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I
lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best... More ›› 105 - I'm not going back to school ever again
Why
ever not?
The teacher doesn't know a thing, all she... More ›› 106 - Teacher : Would you at the
back of the room
stop passing notes.
Pupil : We're not passing notes... More ›› 107 - Great news, teacher says we have a test today
come rain or shine.
So what's so great about that?... More ›› 108 - Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass
but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the... More ›› 109 - Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this
test!
Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest ma... More ›› 110 - When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it
remind him of an empty classroom?
Because there a... More ›› 111 - An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
your homework?
Pupil: I loaned it to a friend, but he... More ›› 112 - Our teacher
talks to herself does yours
?
Yes, but she does't realise it, she thinks we're actu... More ›› 113 - Teacher: Give me three reasons
why the
world is round
Pupil: Well my dad says so, my mum says s... More ›› 114 - Teacher:
Are you good at math ?
Pupil:
Yes and no
Teacher: What do you mean ?
Pupil: Yes, I'm... More ›› 115 - "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
"I think
so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your name on t... More ›› 116 - TEACHER: Jackie, take 932 from 1,439. What is
the difference?
Stella: That's what I say, what's... More ›› 117 - How are you doing in arithmetic ?
I've
learned to add up the zeros, but the numbers are still giv... More ›› 118 - Pupil: The
art teacher doesn't like what
I'm making ?
Dad: Why is that, what are you making ?... More ›› 119 - Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I
was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took eve... More ›› 120 - Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you
to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4?
C... More ›› 121 - An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
your homework?
Pupil: I put it in a safe, but lost th... More ›› 122 - Teacher: I'd like to go through one whole day
without having to tell
you off.
Pupil: You have m... More ›› 123 - Teacher : In the exam you will be allowed 30
minutes for each question.
Pupil : How long for th... More ›› 124 - Teacher : Why are you
reading the last
pages of your history book first ?
Pupil: I want to know... More ›› 125 - Teacher: What is can't short for ?
Pupil:
Cannot miss
Teacher: and what is don't short for
Pup... More ›› 126 - Teacher: Are you good at math?
Pupil: Yes
and no
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Yes, I'm no... More ›› 127 - Teacher:
Can anyone tell me how many
seconds there are in a year?
Pupil: 12 - 2nd January, 2nd... More ›› 128 - Teacher: Did your parents help you
with
these homework problems?
Pupil: No I got them all wrong... More ›› 129 - Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds
there are in a year ?
Pupil: 12 - 2nd January, 2nd F... More ›› 130 - Teacher: What's big
and yellow and comes
in the morning to brighten a mothers day?
Pupil: The s... More ›› 131 - How many students does it take to change a
light bulb?
None. Light bulb changing isn't in the cou... More ›› 132 - Teacher : Billy, please don't whistle while
studying.
Billy : Oh, but I'm not studying - just w... More ›› 133 - Mother: Does your teacher like you ?
Son:
Like me, she loves me. Look at all those X's on my test... More ›› 134 - Art Teacher: The picture of the horse is good,
but where is the wagon ?
Pupil: The horse will d... More ›› 135 - Science teacher: What happened when
electricity was first discovered?
Fred: Someone got a nast... More ›› 136 - I
failed every subject except for
algebra.
How did you keep from failing that?
I didn't take a... More ›› 137 - Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at
Fred's test paper.
Pupil: I hope you didn't see me... More ›› 138 - Teacher: What happened to your
homework?
Pupil: I made it into a paper plane and someone hijac... More ›› 139 - Teacher: Why does the
statue of liberty
stand in New York harbour ?
Pupil: Because it can't sit... More ›› 140 - Teacher : Tommy you try my patience !
Tommy:
No, teacher you had better try mine. There's more of... More ›› 141 - Teacher: This note from your father looks like
your handwriting ?
Pupil: Well, yes, he borrowed m... More ›› 142 - Teacher: Why is the Mississippi
such an
unusual river?
Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can'... More ›› 143 - Father: I hear you skipped school
to play
football
Son: No I didn't, and I have the fish to pro... More ›› 144 - Teacher: Why
does the statue of liberty
stand in New York harbour?
Pupil: Because it can't sit... More ›› 145 - Mother: What
was the first thing you
learned in class?
Daughter: How to talk without moving my... More ›› 146 - Fred: I've
added these figures ten times.
Teacher: Good work!
Fred: And here are my ten answ... More ›› 147 - Are you in
the top half of your class
?
No, I'm one of the students who make the top half possi... More ›› 148 - Mother: What was the first thing you learned in
class ?
Daughter: How to talk without moving my l... More ›› 149 - Teacher: What time do you get up in the morning
?
About an hour and a half after I arrived at s... More ›› 150 - Teacher: Who can tell me where
Hadrians Wall
is?
Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden m... More ›› 151 - Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I
gave
you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch mo... More ›› 152 - Teacher : What is a comet ?
Pupil : A star
with a tail
Teacher: Can you name one ?
Pupil: Lassi... More ›› 153 - Teacher : What is the most common phrase used
in school ?
Pupil : I don't know
Teacher: Correc... More ›› 154 - Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest
sentence you can think of
Pupil: Life imprisonment... More ›› 155 - Did they play tennis in ancient Egypt?
Yes,
the bible tells how Joseph served in Pharoah's court!... More ›› 156 - Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead
Sea?
Pupil: Dead?, I didn't even know he was sick!... More ›› 157 - Teacher: Why are you picking your
nose in
class ?
Pupil: My mother won't let me do it at home !... More ›› 158 - Teacher: In 1940, what were the Poles doing in
Russia ?
Pupil: Holding up the telegraph lines !... More ›› 159 - What happens if you draw on the blackboard and
the
teacher told you not to?
She draws a smack!... More ›› 160 - Father: You were absent on the day of the
test?
Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!... More ›› 161 - Teacher : Make up a sentence using the word
lettuce !
Pupil : Let us out of school early !... More ›› 162 - Teacher: Can you tell me something important
that
didn't exist 100 years ago ?
Pupil: Me !... More ›› 163 - An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your
homework?
Pupil: My little sister ate it!... More ›› 164 - Why were you late ?
Sorry, teacher, I
overslept.
You mean you need to sleep at home too !... More ›› 165 - Little Monster: I hate my teacher.
Mother
Monster: Well just eat your salad up then dear!... More ›› 166 - Why do teachers
use a bamboo
cane?
Because when the cane goes 'bam' the child goes boo!... More ›› 167 - Teacher: Why do you want to
work in a bank,
Alan?
Fred: 'Cuz there's money in it, sir.... More ›› 168 - Teacher: Can anyone give me the name of a
liquid that won't freeze
?
Pupil: Hot water !... More ›› 169 - Be sure that you go
straight home after
school
I can't, I live just round the corner !... More ›› 170 - Teacher : Were you copying his sums ?
Pupil
: No Sir, just seeing if he got mine right !... More ›› 171 - Teacher : What's happens to gold
when it
is exposed to the air ?
Pupil : It's stolen !... More ›› 172 - Teacher: What's 2 and 2?
Pupil:
4
Teacher: That's good.
Pupil: Good?, that's perfect!... More ›› 173 - Teacher: What's 2 and 2
Pupil:
4
Teacher: That's good
Pupil: Good ?, that's perfect !... More ›› 174 - What do you get when
you add 2 apples to 3
apples? A senior high school math problem.... More ›› 175 - Teacher: How can you make so many mistakes in
just
one day ?
Pupil: I get up early !... More ›› 176 - Teacher: Where is the English Channel
?
Pupil: I don't know, my TV doesn't pick it up... More ›› 177 - Teacher: Didn't you hear me call
you?
Pupil: But you said not to answer you back!... More ›› 178 - Teacher: What can we do to stop polluting
our waters ?
Pupil: Stop taking baths ?... More ›› 179 - What's the worst thing you're likely to
find in the school cafeteria?
The food!... More ›› 180 - Teacher: You're new
here aren't you,
what's your name?
Pupil: Fred Mickey Smith... More ›› 181 - Teacher: What came after the stone age and the
bronze age?
Pupil: The sausage!... More ›› 182 - Why was the headmaster
worried?
Because
there were too many rulers in school!... More ›› 183 - What's the longest piece of furniture in the
school? The multiplication table.... More ›› 184 - Teacher: In music, if "f" means
"forte",
what does "ff" mean ?
Pupil: Eighty... More ›› 185 - Q. Why did the jellybean go to
school?
A. Because he wanted to be a smarty... More ›› 186 - Did you hear about the cross eyed
teacher?
He couldn't control his pupils!... More ›› 187 - What did you learn in school today?
Not
enough, I have to go back tomorrow!... More ›› 188 - Q: What did one math book say to the
other?
A: Man I got a lot of problems!... More ›› 189 - What
do French pupils say after finishing
their school dinners ?
Mercy !... More ›› 190 - Teacher: Does anyone know which month has 28
days
?
Pupil: All of them !... More ›› 191 - Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn't
you?
Pupil: Not very much!... More ›› 192 - Teacher: What family does the octopus belong
to?
Pupil: Nobody I know!... More ›› 193 - Where did the pilgrims land when they came to
America?
On their feet!... More ›› 194 - Why did the teacher
wear
sunglasses?
Because his class was so bright!... More ›› 195 - Playing truant from school
is like a credit
card
Fun now, pay later !... More ›› 196 - Why did the teacher put the
lights
on?
Because the class was so dim!... More ›› 197 - Where did all the cuts and blood come
from?
The school went on a trip!... More ›› 198 - What do history teachers make when they want to
get
together?
Dates!... More ›› 199 - Teacher: What are
the Great
Plains?
Pupil: 747, Concorde and F-16!... More ›› 200 - What's yellow, has wheels and lies on its
back?
A dead school bus!... More ›› 201 - My teacher reminds me of
history
She's
always repeating herself!... More ›› 202 - Laugh and the class laughs with you.
But you
get detention alone !... More ›› 203 - What are you going to be when you get out of
school?
An old man!... More ›› 204 - What's black and white all over and
difficult?
An exam paper!... More ›› 205 - What was King Arthur's favourite
game?
Knights and crosses!... More ›› 206 - Where do children learn their ABC's ?
At
LMN-tary school !... More ›› 207 - The food in our school canteen is
perfect.
If your a bug!... More ›› 208 - What kind of food do maths teachers
eat?
Square meals!... More ›› 209 - How do bees get to
school ?
By school
buzz !... More ›› 210 - Teacher: Name two pronouns?
Pupil: Who? me?... More ›› |
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